My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
where are you?
Hypothermia
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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