You really coming over, don't trick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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