Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
