Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
