Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
