At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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