i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
