Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
