I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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