dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
