Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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