Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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