There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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