I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
