I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
