I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
