I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
