my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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