Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
