Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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