Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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