She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
