Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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