eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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