I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
