Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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