Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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