In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
