fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you inspire me to be a worse person
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
