i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
