Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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