Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
