I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
