honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
