I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
