in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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