Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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