You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
