He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You smell like stripper and shame
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
