I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Four minutes until I can fart!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
