She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
