her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
