she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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