I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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