Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
