I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
