How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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