tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
