You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
