Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
