You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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